martian_04

I know I have made some of the worst mistakes I could make in the past year.
I know that I can't do anything about them.
I take credit for them. I do.

I just want to say, my father will forever think too much of me, and I can't ever please him.
I can't do anything about all the bad thing in my last relationship, and I would if I could.
I'd take back talking to my redheaded ex again, and everything that happened between us earlier this summer.
I will, and already have gotten back in touch with most of my friends.
I love them soo much.
I've even made more friends, just in the past month alone.

I'm sorry for those boys...and guys, who like me, now.
I just want to be alone.

I'm bettering my life.

I learned to love myself.
And not just some guy.

I'm proud of myself now.

"Now I can say I love you through two years."
or something like that....said by my boyfriend.

This year has probably been one of the worst, and best of my life so far.

I've gone through so much.

played love. hate. pain.
I had my heart stepped on, beaten up, and curb kicked by a bastard boy.
I had my independence ripped away from my dad.
My self esteem crushed, and scarred for long lasting by the same boy, my dad, and people around me in high school. And out.

Yet.

I found out who really loves me.
My heart being tended by friends who tell me I deserve better.
And my self esteem being tended by whos who bothered listening.

But the one thing that made my year. And fixed my heart entirely, with only faded scars left behind.
I get to end this year knowing this one guy. amazing guy. that he's by my side.

This year changed me. For good and bad. I will always remember it.
It'll be one of those years that just sick out most, in my memory.

The coming year, I predict will have just as much life changing events, maybe more.
But all I know, I won't screw this one up.
Even if it messes up during the middle, like before, I'll make the best of it.
I'll promise you that.
And me.
I promise me that too.

I work at Med Plus Night clinic. I'm the receptionist.
Mostly only on Sunday afternoons, 4-10.

When I was younger, I would of never of thought that I'd be in the occupation now.
I want to be a professional photographer. And that will never change.
But to stay in college I had to get into something ....anything...other then art.
My dad wouldn't help me pay for it, if I went into art.
Nobody I know has every got successful going into art. That's my dad's reason.

So, to make a living I'm in the medical field.
And soon, I have to get a second job, in the medical field.
I don't like it, but it pays GOOD.

I have to work today.
If I only work on sundays for the rest of the year, I still get 3 thousand a year.
cool. huh?

Who here has a dad that seems to control your life?
A good chunck of you, huh?

How about those kids out there that are over 18, your dad still do it?
My does.

No matter if I'm 18 years old or not, as long as I still live under my dads house, I have to live under his rules.
That's common, right?

I have a chance to live without them soon.
But my dad is too clingy to his 'little girls' to let them go.

My dad has been telling me that there isn't anyone else that would be able to handle me more then my family does.
But the thing is about that, they don't handle me. They don't even try.
You know who does, my boyfriend.
And there is more likely a chance of me becoming a black old man then my dad approving of me living with my boyfriend.

Yes, my dad cares, but I'm telling even a 12th of how my dad is.
He. Is. A. Dumb. Ass. Strict. Son. Of. A. Bitch. bastard.
...Just to put it on the nice side.

Don't take me wrong, I love my dad.
But his ways.....are the most hurting in a mental way possible.
He knows the exact ways to hurt me emotionaly.
He knows how far I can go with annoyance.
He knows how I don't like taking 'no' for an answer.

So he pushes me, and pushes me. He thinks that doing that will make me stronger, but all it does it weakens me, more and more.
One day I swear I'll cry myself into a coma I will never wake up from.
Sometimes I just feel terrified of him.
I feel controled, and not the normal parental control.
I feel like I've been in a cage, and only fed when I'm really hungry, and I can't see day light unless I've been on everyones nice side for about a week.
I'm trapped, and that key is long gone.

Kung Fu Panda. I really like that movie.


And a song I really like.... S.E.X. by Nickleback.
hehe.
They're new CD has a lot of stuff about sex in it....it makes me....smile.

But anyway. I wanted to talk about that quote in my title, from Kung Fu Panda.
That quote makes me think.
Cause I'm the type of person who thinks too much on her past.
And also lives by a schedule, for her days coming.
Then doesn't appreciates the present as much as she should.

Pretty much nothing at all like that quote, huh?
Which why it makes me think.
And I think too much.
But also, I'm tired.
I'll be back.